I can’t really remember my last birthday.

What might have been candles, or what could have been cake, has abandoned my mind somewhat completely and left nothing in its place, not even space. 

No open room for the friend I think I had in preschool,

her hair possibly brown, 

or a dirty blond,

I don’t know,

maybe I once did, 

maybe I didn’t.

But I think my moms hair used to be a different color when I was younger, 

before she started dying it to hide the silver,

the red is just slight off, 

but I have no way of telling why,

because what it once was is something of a figment,

like all I ever had of it was a single strand 

borderline transparent. 

But my last birthday was just 9 months ago. 

And that friend could be somewhere in the halls right now,

but I no longer know their face. 

And my own mother is right in front of me,

and has been,

and will be, 

but not like ‘then anymore. 

Because I don’t know why but my brain is a neat freak who declutters the minimal, 

because it knows that yes,

I can live with one less birthday,

and I’ve gotten this far without that friend,

and my mom could dye her hair blue for all I care,

but they’re just not there,

and sometimes I find myself thinking about these things that are not there,

yet are there,

yet were there once too,

and that come up again, 

and then not at all,

like a rock that’s heading to the bottom of an ocean.

it’s deep and it’s sinking and it’s been at the top—it has to have been that’s the only place it could have sunk from—and so it has breathed before. 

and it was there, 

and for a moment it was there like a ship or a swimming sun,

and the things it saw it may possibly forget again like it did that day it was on the top of the top when it swung from trees and buildings alike,

but now it is midway-floating,

for a quick moment it is floating on an oblivion sea like how one floats on their back when they don’t know where they and can’t drift any further,

but now it is sinking,

but then again it was there, 

but then it sunk,

and now it is still here,

just there,

like it was,

and like it wasn’t 

just alike.

its at the bottom of an ocean and yet it could still sink further,

or it could never sink again,

but then again it did,

and still it did 

again.

My birthday will come a few times more,

I’ve made more friends since my pre-school days, 

and my mom is more than her hair color,

but those things that once were,

that rock among a million others and others past,

are still there,

I just need to dive deeper,

I just need to remember why.