Love is a Thinker
by
Tiger Yang
Scene One
Restaurant bathroom. Mendel has been in here trying to tie a tie for a long time.
MENDEL: First date ever and I am stuck in a bathroom doing… this. THOUGHT 1&2: Yikes
THOUGHT 1: We should scrap the tie it looks ugly
THOUGHT 2: How about we get a bowtie? We’d be the dapperest guy in town
MENDEL: It’s not like I know how to tie a bowtie either.
T1: Well how does scrapping that tie sound?
T2: We can’t go without a tie all those fancy dudes on tv have one T1: Look at us, are we a fancy muscular handsome hunk on tv? T2: Well…
T1: No we’re not! We are just some close-to-not-being-broke recent college graduate who has never been on a date in their sad miserable depressing–
T2: That’s enough, we might not be able to tie a tie but we could tie a knot.
At this moment Waiter/Waitress leads Erinna, Mendel’s date to the table. The table should have Mendel’s coat on a seat Erinna sits at the opposite end of it. She and the Waiter/Waitress have a conversation but this is not audible; it ends with the Waiter/Waitress bringing in water, then Waiter/Waitress exits. While this is happening all lines continue, this sequence should end by the time Mendel exits the bathroom.
T1: No way we are delusional enough to be thinking about marriage on the first date.
T2: Okay a loose knot but a knot nonetheless.
MENDEL: Alright Mendel get it together. We met online and the texting went pretty well, I think I can hit it off. How different can it be?
T1: We could have been catfished, she can totally be some 90 year old hag. MENDEL: Am I overthinking this?
T1: Yes. Can it be helped? No.
MENDEL: It’s fine, I’ll go without a tie and be at the table early to do the gentleman wave thing, pour her water all that stuff. Yeah, lets…
ALL: Go!
Mendel walks out the bathroom and spots a woman sitting at the table MENDEL: Oh god.
Mendel quickly goes to hide in a nearby chair and stalks Erinna who is the woman at the table. Erinna is fiddling around this could be checking out herself with a pocket mirror, sipping water, twirling her hair, looking at her phone etc. To ensure she is still active and not looking in Mendel’s direction.
MENDEL: Is that my date?
T1: Of course that’s our date.
T2: She’s so pretty.
MENDEL: Pretty early.
T1: So are we her date? Or are we her stalker?
T2: We should go say hi!
MENDEL: I wonder how I should approach her…
WAITER/WAITRESS: Sir is there something wrong with our Michelin quality floor?
Mendel springs up
MENDEL: I- Well- No- I- Was- Uh- you know you guys have really lovely floors I love… touching floors.
T1: We deserve to get kicked out.
T2: Oooo there is a penny right there.
Mendel quickly bends down and snatches the good luck penny
WAITER/WAITRESS: Great! (to self) This job just gets harder everyday. I thought if I worked at a fancy place there’d be less weird people but no. There are literally people who don’t order food and stare like it’s some kind of show. Ugh, I don’t get paid enough for this.
Waiter/Waitress exits
T1: Damn, that guy needs therapy.
MENDEL: Alright now my approach method.
T2: Let’s show off a little, puff up the chest and throw some cool moves out here. Every step matters.
MENDEL: Time for me to impress, here I go
The Actor playing Mendel improvises many different approach methods towards the table eventually ending up back to normal, These are meant to be silly.
T1: Everyone just saw that.
T2: And they are clearly impressed!
T1: Impressed that we can embarrass ourselves
T2: Well hopefully we impressed her.
MENDEL: Hey
ERINNA: Oh hi
Erinna stands up
MENDEL: I’m…
ERINNA: I’m…
MENDEL: Mendel
ERINNA: Erinna
They both go in for a handshake then sit back down.
ERINNA: I saw you had your coat here, did you wait long? MENDEL: No, I actually just got here
T1: What is this cliche ass starting conversation
T2: At least, we’re not talking about the weather
ERINNA: Would you like some water? The waiter said it was premium. MENDEL: Yeah, I would love some water.
Erinna pours Mendel a cup of premium water and Mendel drinks THOUGHT 1&2: That was just sparkling water.
MENDEL: Mmm the water tastes so good.
ERINNA: Really? To be honest I never understood the appeal of the so-called premium water, isn’t it just sparkling water?
THOUGHT 1&2: Yes it is!
ERINNA: I never go to these fancy restaurants that much unless it’s for a date.
MENDEL: Neither do I, I just kind of…
T1: Sit home sheltered away doing basically nothing aside from watching cat videos
T2: God if you’re out there please don’t make us finish this sentence. WAITER/WAITRESS: Free bread’s here!
THOUGHT 1&2: God?!
Waiter/Waitress sets down the complimentary bread and leaves T2: Food is the perfect excuse to not talk.
MENDEL: Let’s eat shall we, I heard all top quality restaurants have amazing bread.
Mendel and Erinna uncover the bread basket to discover one roll of bread, they split it.
T1: So that’s all the bread.
T2: Man, they sure do have some good bread.
T1: If only there was more of it.
ERINNA: They do say less is more but this is too little don’t you think? MENDEL: Uh
ERINNA: The atmosphere here is actually quite relaxing. A coworker in the office recommended this place to me. Aside from the service, she said it’s the perfect place for a one-on-one date.
MENDEL: Yeah, it’s good to come to these restaurants once in a while. But it’s also nice to get outdoors.
ERINNA: Do you work from home?
T1: We don’t necessarily work.
T2: We are working on something cool though.
MENDEL: I’m making a game! It’s gonna be an open world time traveling game still a work in progress but I’m sure when it’s up on its feet it’s gonna blow people’s minds!
ERINNA: That sounds fun. Say, Mendel, do you go on dates often? T1: Hell no.
T2: We can’t tell her that though.
T1: Yeah or else she’s gonna think we’re pathetic
T2: We could lie?
T1: Then we’d be synthetic
T2: Okay, what, are we gonna start talking about the weather then? MENDEL: I- uh- I- so- I- well
THOUGHT 1&2: Just say something!
MENDEL: I was scared to go on dates ever since I got slapped by my crush in sixth grade!
THOUGHT 1&2: Not that!
Erinna can’t help but laugh
T1: Hng! Now she’s laughing at us.
T2: I mean that’s only an assumption
T1: Back to the bathroom!
T2: Back to the bathroom.
MENDEL: I’m sorry, please excuse me.
Mendel goes back to the bathroom that is still onstage
ERINNA: That guy is pretty weird, but cute.
Erinna’s phone starts to ring, it is her friend. She picks up
ERINNA: Hey. The date? I think the date is going fine, I’m not sure about me though. Well, the guy I’m with, he’s this cool game designer, and I’m some office lady. Office ladies are badasses? Where’d you hear that? You just know? Yeah, alright stop trying to flatter me. I think I messed up though, I laughed at something he said. I wasn’t trying to make fun of him or anything but maybe it was too harsh. I’ve never met someone like him before. Compared to all the other dates he doesn’t make up stories about killing a shark with his bare hands or pretends that they’re rich by wearing golden jewelry everywhere. This is the only date I’ve been on where the other person feels truly unique. I started dating so I can experience something true and new, not something fake. It was a way of saving myself from the darkness of the office. Where someone else’s life could be my light and dating was definitely harder than it looked, I was ready to give up searching but I’m glad I still went on this one. I thought he was gonna be another one of those guys where you know they’re nothing like what they present themself as. This guy is basically clueless, he tries to hide all his embarrassing points, but he’s so bad at it that it makes him genuine. More? Well he is awkward, quirky, sort of a nervous wreck, and well… kind of pitiful.
MENDEL: She probably thinks I’m pitiful!
T1: Definitely
MENDEL: Why is this so hard?
ERINNA: I think spending time with him would be… fun. But… MENDEL: What if…
ERINNA: What if…
MENDEL: She…
ERINNA: He…
MENDEL & ERINNA: Doesn’t like me?
T2: Ever think we’re the ones making it hard on ourselves? T1: Right now we’re basically ignoring her.
T2: Won’t this make her sad?
T1: If we stay here any longer she’s going to leave.
ERINNA: Alright, well thank you for calling, I’m not sure if he’s coming back but I’ll wait a little longer.
T1: Think about it.
T2: Think about it clearly.
MENDEL: I should focus on what’s more important, I guess I am overthinking it.
ALL: Let’s go back.
Mendel runs back to the table while Erinna begins to get ready to get up and leave.
MENDEL: Sorry, it took me a bit.
ERINNA: No, it’s alright
MENDEL: That premium water really messed me up.
ERINNA: Maybe we should’ve asked for tap water?
MENDEL: How about we go and get some ice cream?
ERINNA: It is rather late and I have work tomorrow…
Erinna gets up from her seat.
ERINNA: …so how about we set that up for a second date? T1: A second date.
T2: A second date!
Mendel closes the distance between them, he is surprised and delighted. MENDEL: Yeah, that’d be… great.
ERINNA: See you later then. Remember to text me.
Erinna leaves
MENDEL: Yes!
Mendel has a party with himself in the restaurant and breaks out in a series of improvised dance moves as the two thoughts provide support, they can dance too or act somewhat like cheerleaders during this the Waiter/Waitress walks up.
WAITER/WAITRESS: Ahem, sir your check? Make sure to leave a big tip especially after whatever you were doing.
Waiter/Waitress sets the check down and leaves. Mendel looks at the check ALL: Holy shit.
Lights quickly go down in a flash.
End of play